February 22, 2017

Faith. It is a big thing were I am from. I live right in the middle of the bible belt and it seems like everyone around me goes to church every Sunday and bows down and prays every night. I am not like that. I never was.
I grew up in a very "live and let live" environment. My family wasn't religious, my mom never went to church; I didn't know who God was. The only church that I knew was a Unitarian church that my grandma went to. She taught me one thing about God; that He was good -- He was good to everything and everyone. I grew up only with this small fact about Him.

January of my freshman year of high school, my dad passed away suddenly. He was my best friend. I felt like I had no one anymore. I felt sad, alone, and unwanted. This was the biggest heart break that I had ever felt, and I think it still is the most pain my heart as ever been in. No breakup with a boy could ever match the pain of losing my best friend and father that way. When all of this happened, I hated God.
Even though I did not know who exactly God was, I hated Him. He took the only one who understood me, completely, away. He left me all alone. And I thought, if He, God, loved me, He wouldn't put me through this much pain. I kept asking Him, Why are You doing this to me? Why do You hate me? 

"The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming." Romans 8:18

A couple months after my father's passing, I went through some of his things. In a chest, I found his bible. I never knew my dad studied the bible or even believed in God. I skimmed through it and I saw highlighted verses and little side notes. I read through some of the things my dad wrote and it made me feel closer to him; like he wasn't completely gone. I think I need to thank God for that. He led me to find my dad's bible, He led me to still feel close to him even though he wasn't there anymore.
After finding my dad's bible, I felt closer to God. I still didn't know His full story but I felt like someone was there.

"God will use the worst things in your life and use them as a platform for His grace."

As the years have gone by, I have felt closer to God but I have also felt the farthest away.
The past few years I have taken it upon myself to learn about God and his plan for me. I do get into the mindset where I think, I have no purpose. Why did God put me here for no reason. I am just taking up space. 
But then, I read over this verse,

"But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all earth." Exodus 9:16

God does have a plan for me. He has a plan for everyone, even those who resist Him. God is the giver of purpose in every life whether they live for Him or not.
Even now, I have questions about God and His plan for me; but I think everyone has those questions.

I am still on a journey with my relationship with God, but that is okay; everyone wants to better their relationship with Him. And even if I might feel alone at times, that's okay. Even if I feel alone, I know He will be there; He is preparing me for something greater.

But, even though some of us have to wait longer for God to touch our hearts and to learn His story--

There's art in waiting, isn't there?

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